I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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