I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
