after a month anything with tits is on the radar
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
