Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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