i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
