Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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