Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize