the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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