Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
