hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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