Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
