So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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