I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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