my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
