I wish I could teleport
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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