Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
