I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
