I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Randomize
