I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize