She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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