I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
