Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Say something about gay babies.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
