When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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