Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
