Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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