I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think my vagina is haunted
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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