...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
