he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
