I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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