Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
