All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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