This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
