At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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