You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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