mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
