You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
