I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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