I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
