just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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