His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize