Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
