I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
