ADVERTISEMENT

• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.

  Fav 29 1069 2660

  share tweet
  

• (502): View more from Kentucky

  All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.

  Fav 10 4015 931

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (314): View more from Missouri

  I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...

  Fav 27 1175 4371

  share tweet
  

• (917): View more from New York City

  she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in

  Fav 12 3655 1494

  share tweet
  

• (703): View more from Virginia

  Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?

  Fav 7 3790 1367

  share tweet
  

• (753): View more from

  He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.

  Fav 4 2026 1058

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  If I was 5 years younger and single...

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  She STILL wouldn't fuck you.

  Fav 4 1580 1038

  share tweet
  

• (303): View more from Colorado

  You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness

  Fav 0 975 620

  share tweet
  

• (559): View more from California

  I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."

  Fav 2 1070 843

  share tweet
  

• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences

  Fav 1 791 535

  share tweet
  

• (804): View more from Virginia

  I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.

  Fav 9 1162 476

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (416): View more from Toronto

  I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.

  Fav 1 93 8

  share tweet
  

• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Not in jail

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Alive?

  Fav 1 55 13

  share tweet
  

• (907): View more from Alaska

  He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?

  Fav 0 51 19

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (904): View more from Florida

  Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.

  Fav 0 90 16

  share tweet
  

Randomize