I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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