I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I fill condoms, not promises.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
