If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
