i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
