walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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