the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
