Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I looked at my own cervix.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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