Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
