the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we're chasing vodka with high fives
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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