She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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