You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
