Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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