Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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