I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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