i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
