she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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