Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
